I love social media. Facespace,Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat...heck, there are even multiple YouTubes for porn now. And they're all awesome. (Except FourSquare. Seriously, what is that shit.) Social media keeps me in the know of the up, the coming, the weird, the bad and the ugly. It's a pop culture diva's best friend. But everything has a dark side. A awful, annoying, makes you want to scream at your computer dark side. You know what I mean... the pokes, the fishtank/bubbletrap/candy crush invites, the political rants, the GD bitstrips. Oh the bitstrips...
Recently, I've found myself mildly aghast to see the things that people will freely post online. (Anthony Weiner, I'm looking at you sir.) So it's time to poke a little fun. To vent a little frustration. Because if I can prevent just one duck face selfie..then my work here is done.
Now I get that we all take these from time to time, because we look pretty, or we need a little self validation, or Monty the dog is just looking too stinking adorable for words. I'm gonna cut some slack here for those... but there are two that are simply unacceptable...
The car selfie (aka, the seatbelt selfie.)
Did you just jump in the car, look in the rearview mirror and say, Woooo girl, my shit looks good toDAY! Better take a photo with this grey strap stretched across my chest because it really compliments my cleavage... I better let everyone know before my spray tan rubs off!
|I rest my case.|
But the worst, the absolute WORST?
The gym selfie.
We get it, you work out. And you're vain. Really that's all we need to know about you right? (Besides the knowledge of how you look basically naked.) Oh and this goes doubly for those awful, look how Crossfit has caused me to rip quarter sized calluses off my hands. I am so full of testosterone and badassery I'm pretty sure I grew an extra pair of testicles. I am not here to validate you sir, please go put your Ed Hardy t-shirt back on, gel your hair, and go home.
|Note: If I see you at the gym taking photos in mirrors I will openly mock you. Especially if you look like those guys.|
You're sad. But you don't want to just come out and say it! Insert, Vaguebooking! The fun and passive aggressive way to turn your drama filled life into a game of Clue! Why be honest, when you can be indirect and get all that attention?
When you want to brag AND get sympathy for your awesome life. #sucksthatimsoawesome #ihateyou
|Ugh, personally I think ponytails and naps make girls HIDEOUS.|
TMI Child Posts
I love my friends children. Truly. They're adorable and funny and I get that my pals are enamored with them. But I am un.com.for.ta.ble with about 90% of what they post to Facebook. Can't understand why your baby has become a geyser of fecal material? Seriously, never tell me. I have a sensitive gag reflex. Posting your sonogram as your new FB photo? Now it's just that much more difficult for me to figure out who you are considering your married name and the fact that we haven't seen each other since you were doing keg stands in the Sig Ep house. Think your baby's bath time is a photo sharing moment? C'mon guys, there are real pedofiles out there who love that shit. Thank god our parents didn't have the ability to share every embarrassing photo of us as a child to the ENTIRE INTERNET.
|Tell me this doesn't slightly resemble something out of a nightmare. Give me the B&W any day.|
What social media activities drive you crazy? Tell me (if only to ensure that I don't repeat them :) In the mean time, I'll just be practicing clenching my abs in the mirror while holding a duck face.