this is the reason they tell you not to eat before bed...

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

I just had a dream in which i had an amazing baby.

I had no recollection of actually giving birth to the baby, but somehow I knew that I'd had it.  Also, it was wrapped in tinfoil like an adorable Chipolte burrito.  Naturally I unwrapped it appropriately.

As I cleared the tinfoil from his tiny face, he opened his eyes & I realized that this baby is the shit that Gerber dreams of.  Cutest. Baby. Ever.

The fact that I am now the mother of a future teen heartthrob is beginning to set in, and I realize that I have literally nothing that a baby requires.  Crib? Nope. Diapers? For amateurs.  I ask my best bro Chad and my mother (who seem entirely unaware that i just whipped out a burrito baby,) to immediately take me to the store for the necessities.  They deny me, too enthralled with candy crush or some shit to appropriately address the situation.  So I do the next obvious step.  I start cutting up all of my dad's t-shirts to create makeshift diapers.

As I try to fit baby with it's makeshift Harley Davidson diaper the following happens...

:::

me: I'm really sorry about this whole t-shirt diaper baby. I'm trying here. MOM. Seriously quit it with the candy crush.  We need to get to Wal-Mart ASAP, baby is shitting everywhere!

Baby stands up and drops diaper.

baby: (looks down at himself) Holy shit, I have a huge dick.  Look mom!  It's never fitting in there.

me: What the fuuuuucccckk....

baby: Hung like a mothafucking horse. Hell yeah! high fives me like a tiny, shit covered, badass.


me: OMG this may be the greatest moment of my life. I have a talking, cursing, amazing baby.  Mom, seriously what the hell are you doing? This baby is like a tiny adorable Gilbert Godfried right now and you're playing a game! Sorry about the t-shirt diaper baby, your grandmother apparently hates us.


baby: It's fine, I'm fucking adorable in anything.

:::

And I wake up.  My first thought went something like shit, maybe that second bottle of wine wasn't the best idea... but my second, more enlightened thought was... OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BREED AWESOMELY.  

Get in line gentlemen. Get in line.

P.S.  My brother just sent me this photo from a Panera bulletin board.  It's basically the universe affirming my crazy.

Image Credits : Burrito Baby 1

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