The 20-Something Toolkit

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Lately I've done a lot of thinking about the woman I've become in my nearing 29 years.  I'm very different than the girl I was at 19.  (I distinctly recall wearing gauchos with my sorority t-shirts to class. Jesus.) I'm very different than the girl I was at 25.  (I dated, and was mildly obsessed with, a man who had no job, his parents paid his rent, and he had to blow into a tube to make his car start.  I like to tell myself that we all have at least one loser in our lives.)  Yet through all that, (and probably way worse shit if we're being honest,) I'd like to believe that I've successfully become at least a semblance of a grown-up lady.  And no i'm not talking about a minivan driving, pearls-wearing, white wine drinking lady, but instead, a lady who has the knowledge, skills, and shit that one needs to make it as a big kid out in the world.  I asked myself, what are these necessities to straight-up owning adulthood/womanhood?  Here's what I came up with...

1. A planner.  I don't care if you're a keep your entire life in your iPhone person or, like me, an obsessive old school day planner kind of gal (I personally prefer the uncalendar, which fits my need for total domination of weekly & monthly life planning and list making,) but this is super important.  It keeps you organized, making you look good to your boss, and helps you remember all of your friends birthdays without the need to check Facebook.  Because sometimes Facebook lies.  

2. A tool set containing a hammer, both a phillips head and flat head screwdriver, a pair of pliers with wire cutting capabilities, a tape measure, nails & screws.  And really, an electric drill, but I know, that's expensive.  Because a high heel isn't the proper instrument to repeatedly slam into your wall in lieu of a hammer, and there are only so many times your dad will come to repair things that you've broken.  

3. Closet Staples according to me. Something to wear if you're asked to interview for your dream job tomorrow, something that makes YOU feel sexy on a first date, 2 pair of simple heels in black and brown that go with everything and don't kill your feet, a high quality, professional bag to carry your life to work in, and yes, a cliche little black dress.  Because it's true, it works for everything. 

4. Condoms.  Because seriously ladies, he will always miraculously "forget them."  It's far easier to just have some on hand, b/c yeah, a girl has needs too.  An alternative plan would be to stroke his hair while whispering to him your favorite baby names for your future spawn... this will either result in him miraculously producing a condom faster than David Copperfield, or make him run for the hills.  You've been warned.

5. While we're on the subject, every girl needs a vibrator. A good one that doesn't resemble a stuffed animal or tube of lipstick. I am a firm believer in knowing what you like and how you like it so get to practicing lady friends.  Samantha Jones would be proud. 

6. Some basic bar knowledge.  All adults should know how to make a Bloody Mary, a Dirty Martini, and a Manhattan.  These three drinks can get you through hangovers, meeting parents, and honestly, Manhattans are just awesome and make you look badass.  

7. Something ridiculously expensive you bought just for you.  Obviously this is a little fluid, considering it's a life and death experience for me to spend over 20 dollars on mascara, even if it does give me sex kitten eyes. (Kittens are sexy.) The point isn't the price, the point is YOU buying something for no one else's pleasure.  My friends and I always said we'd buy ourselves a beautiful right hand ring when we've finally made it just as congratulations for being bad ass bitches who get shit done all on our own.  

8.  A passport.  For wanderlust.  And with the anticipation of a job that not only provides you with paid time off, but enough pay to actually go on a vacation.  

9.  A pair of Spanx.  I am vain enough to say that there are times that I don't necessarily want Esther (my loving name for my muffin top... I like to assume she's a sassy lady with a voice like Wanda Sykes,) to be the star of the show while I'm wearing a clingier outfit.  I give you, Spanx. These things are magic, smoothing out my jumbly bits without squeezing my internal organs to death.  Plus Beyonce wears them.  Be noted, if you find yourself in a promising sexy situation one must a) be willing to share a laugh Bridget Jones style over your enormous panties, or b) race to the bathroom, whip those babies off and shove them in your purse.  I'm not saying I have done this...but I'm not saying I haven't either.

10. A Fuck You Fund.  It's basically just what it sounds like, a little cushion that comes into play only when you're in crisis, be it a terrible job, roommate, or situation, in which you can continue to be independent without stressing out entirely.  

These are just of my personal few must haves, what do you think? What should every woman have?

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