I've always had a complicated relationship to my body. I can vividly remember being a child, dancing in front of the mirror with my little sports bra stuffed to look like whatever latest celebrity I was idolizing, and in a split second, I was the first girl in the 7th grade to really get breasts. 13 is an awkward time to begin with and suddenly the boys in my class are staring, making jokes in gym, and ugh, asking if they could touch them. (I have learned that this lasts approximately until men are in their 30's. Some never grow out of it. These men are to be avoided. ) I was jealous of my friends, wearing their spaghetti straps and string bikinis while I was trying to hoist up my ever growing chest with boring swimsuits and tops designed for grown women. To add insult to injury, I have the flattest ass on the planet. It's like a boy. I have no hips. I have no cute little butt. I don't get to be "curvy" or "hourglass" like Marilyn Monroe. I get to be an "apple." Roseanne Barr is an apple. (Nothing against Roseanne, but c'mon couldn't the universe bless me at least a little Marilyn? )
All my life I've watched members of my family struggle with their weight, going back and forth with whatever fad diet they were trying at the time, and being discouraged by the lack of results. Watching them, I'd vow that I would never do the same thing, that I'd be happy with the body I'm given and accept the fact that baby, I was born this way. I will eat what I want, I will exercise when I feel like it. And I would loathe my body for not doing what I wanted, to be thin, to have smaller boobs, a bigger ass, longer legs, whatever. In my 20's I went in for a breast reduction surgery, and while they were smaller, (at the time I was around a 36F cup,) it remains where I gain my weight first, where I hold it longest.
I have avoided dieting for the most part in my life, (with the exception of a disastrous 2 week diet of eggs, grapefruit, and spinach before a wedding with my best friend and cannot eat an egg to this day as a result,) and have merely dealt with a little body dissatisfaction. I admire SO MUCH the work of fat advocates like the AMAZING Jess and Rachele I support body love of ALL sizes, but I also know that in order to really have body love for myself, I have to start treating my own body better. Does this mean that I will starve myself, deny myself things, push myself to extremes to meet the expectations of skinny and beautiful America? Absolutely not. but does it mean that I could treat myself a little more kindly, make my body stronger and more able to do the things that I want to do in my life? Absolutely.
I'm in a very changey-feely mood lately y'all. I'm already making some changes to my lifestyle to improve my enjoyment of my life, of my self, and of my body. Will I ever be skinny? Nah. It's not how I was built. I accept that. But can I be the best me possible? Hell yeah.
|A particularly excellent 80's work out outfit if I do say so myself.|